Coming home
    Adopt a cautious approach to family reunions

By Lt. Col. (Dr.) Giorgio Santambrogio
407th EMDG Life Skills Support Center

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- The military isn’t exactly what you’d call a “family friendly” employer.  You have to leave everyone you love, come here and cook for a while in the sun. Meanwhile, your spouse has to deal with all the things it previously took two of you to manage.

Although email and phone calls are a great help for us deployed folks, nothing can compare to being there.

The time is drawing closer, finally, and soon you’ll be reunited with your family. Understandably, you may have some concerns on how the reunion with your spouse and children will go.

A cautious approach is best so continue your schedule so that is parallel’s what you did here. That doesn’t mean put gravel all over the place, run a diesel generator on the lawn and define your “zone” in the bedroom by hanging sheets.

Gradually resume your role in the family unit at a pace that’s comfortable to both of you.

Don’t expect perfection or immediate gratification; give the process time to bloom – you know, like a flower. Pretty poetic aren’t I?

Don’t turn to drugs or alcohol - those only make things worse.

Do maintain a healthy lifestyle, eat healthy and exercise to keep that “Tallil buffness” you developed.

If things don’t go as planned or hoped , don’t despair; help is available. Your home unit’s family advocacy office, chaplains, life skills center and other services are available to support you.

Don’t forget, there are also tons of resources available online for help and advice. The American Psychological Association has an online brochure called “Homecoming: Resilience After Wartime.”  The materials are available for free download at: http://helping.apa.org/resilience/homecoming.html.

Since the chances are you’re more computer-savvy than me, it probably won’t take you the 30 minutes it took me to find it. There are also multiple other downloads for parents and teachers that may also be helpful to you. Both the www.helping.apa.org and the www.apa.org websites are full of useful information about psychological subjects.

See the shortest and most straightforward handout I could find below to help you with your reunions with loved ones.

The reunion is a part of the deployment cycle and is filled with joy and stress.  The following tips can help you have the best possible reunion:

Tips for military members
* Support good things your family has done.
* Take time to talk to your spouse and family as well as listen to them.
* Make time for each child and your spouse.
* Go slow to re-establish your place in the family.
* Be prepared to make some adjustments.
* Romantic conversation can make re-entering love relations easier.
* Make savings last longer; manage your money.
* Go easy on the parties.

Tips for spouses
* Avoid a busy schedule.
* Go slow to making adjustments.
* You and your spouse may need time for yourselves.
* Remind military member they are still needed in the family.
* Discuss splitting up family chores.
* Stick to your budget until you have had time to talk it over.
* Along with time for the family, make individual time to talk.
* Patience is key to rebuilding a relationship.
* Adopt cautious approach to family reunions

 Tips for reunions with children
* Slowly adapt back to the old rules and routines.
* Be available to your child, with time and emotions.
* Let the child be first to renew the bond.
* Expect some changes in your children while you’ve been away.
* Focus on the children’s successes and limit all criticisms.
* Encourage your child to tell what happened while you were away.

Changes, expectations
With deployments come changes. Knowing what to expect and how to deal with
changes can make reunion more enjoyable and less stressful. Below are some hints you might find helpful to you and your family for a happy home coming.

Expectations for members
*You may want to spend time talking about your experiences, some family may
  not.
* Roles may have changed to manage basic chores and household tasks.
* Face to face communication may be hard after a separation.
* Closeness may also be awkward at first.
* Children grow up during separations; they may seem different in some ways.
* Spouses sometimes become more independent, and need more space.
* You may have to change your outlook on priorities in the household.

Expectations for spouses
* Airmen may have changed.
* Airmen may feel closed in on some days needing space to renew comfort.
* Airmen often feel overwhelmed by the everyday noise and confusion of home life.
* Allow Airmen to get back to their own sleeping patterns.
* Airmen often feel left out at first, needing time to adjust.
* Airmen may feel hurt when small children are slow to hug and show emotions.

What children may feel
* Babies less than a year may cry when being held.
* Toddlers may not know you at first and may hide.
* Preschoolers 3-5 years may be scared to see you because of the separation.
* School age 6-12 years may demand more of your time than other children.
* Teenagers may seem moody and may appear they don’t care.
* Some children may be anxious to see you and fear your expectations of them.
* Children may be torn by loyalties to the spouse who remained.